Readers Offer Their Advice on Talking to Aging Parents About Estate Plans
From: wsj.com
Many have useful tips for gentle persuasion while others spell out a more direct approach
Want to talk about plans for when you die?
(Silence)
I guess not.
That exchange, unfortunately, describes how many adult children and their parents approach—or, rather, fail to approach—the subject of estate planning. Few families, of course, enjoy talking about money. Introduce the idea of estate plans and inheritance—who gets what and why—and conversations often never get off the ground.
In a recent article, we looked briefly at how to talk with parents about end-of-life planning. At the same time, we invited readers to tell us how they broached this topic and why various strategies might work better than others. Dozens of readers responded, telling us that the earlier you begin these efforts, the better. Here are some of their more specific suggestions:
Speak softly…
Many readers insist that the best way to get parents to open up is also the easiest: gentle persuasion.
“Treat your parents as the adults they are,” says Lynn in Missouri. “Listen to them and hear out their fears and concerns. Those worries may not be real to you, but they are to them.”
Several readers said education is key: Instead of peppering parents with questions, provide them with information about various pieces of the estate-planning puzzle. One reader, Peggy in Kansas City, Mo., says she and other family members helped assemble a notebook for her parents with articles about how to find an adviser, or when a person might need a trust, or why you should give someone power of attorney.
“We ended up giving them as much information as we could and let them go their own way,” she says. “It must have worked, because when they passed away, their executor…left us with little to do except pick up the personal things we wanted and deposit the checks.”
Some readers told us they started the process by first talking about less-consequential matters than bank statements and possible bequests. Laura Jackson in Livonia, Mich., says she asked her mother for a list of all her utility companies, with the account number and phone number of each—in the event that the mother sells the house, at some point, and needs to turn off the electricity, etc.
“Just getting this information helped my mother open up about other assets she wanted me to know about, and how she wanted some things to be disbursed,” Ms. Jackson says. She adds that a simple question about where her mother’s will and related paperwork could be found (the mother already had asked Ms. Jackson to serve as her executor) ended up unlocking several doors. “Finding out where each of these documents was located helped us discuss what her wishes were.”
…And carry a big stick
All that said, a number of readers urge skipping the niceties (or at least moving quickly beyond them) and simply telling older parents that a reluctance to talk about their estate plans—and/or failing to assemble such plans—is a recipe for disaster.
Here is a sampling:
“Warn them about the tax man coming for their hard-earned money. Everyone hates paying taxes.”
— Marie Drais, Dallas
“It might help to remind the parent that an inheritance plan is in place, courtesy of state law. It will govern how the assets are handled and divided when a person dies intestate, and what fee is paid to the state as executor.”
— Linda, New York
“Ask parents: Would they like to put their kids through the equivalent of a full-time job [estate administrator] that can last a year? Of course they wouldn’t. Or would they want a court to determine how their assets are distributed to their kids and grandkids? Of course not.”
— Scott Horsburgh, Novi, Mich.
“I broached the subject of estate planning with my father, who didn’t like the idea of paying estate tax. Enlisting the help of a tax attorney who lived next door, I calculated roughly the amount due to the government upon his death. The blood drained from his face, and the planning process was started.”
— Patrick Ring, Baltimore
“Start with asking about an executor and the potential cost of not keeping a will current as the laws change. That tends to get their attention.”
— A reader in Rhode Island
My sister and I used a very direct approach with our father. We told him that we’re hiring a lawyer, that we’re going through the process, and that you (our father) get to pay for this.”
— Sam Corbett, Louisville, Ky.
A reader in Portland, Ore., Vicki Storey, notes that she had tried, repeatedly, to get her father to talk with an estate-planning lawyer. But the father’s response was always the same: His estate simply wasn’t big enough, or so he thought, to warrant any significant planning. Ms. Storey says one evening—after yet another plea to persuade her father to act and yet another refusal—her frustration got the best of her.
“I said, ‘Fine, if your favorite charity is the federal government, do nothing and they will get the lion’s share. But if you would rather benefit the church, a university or some other worthwhile charity, you should set up a trust and make your desires known.’
“Somehow that did it. My dad agreed to see an attorney. For months afterward, he would say, ‘I had no idea we were worth so much.’ ”
Ask a third party for help
Between the two extremes of nice-and-easy-does-it and Armageddon, a third option for getting children and parents talking about estate plans is, well, cutting out the children. At least in the early stages. Instead, invite a third party to break the ice. Or so said a number of readers.
“My advice is to subtly expose your parent to actions taken by a trusted individual of the same generation,” says Joyce Fontana of Durango, Colo. “You may find your parent reaching out to you, while preserving some sense of autonomy.”
The thinking here stems from the fact that adult children, even if their intentions are completely aboveboard, typically have a vested interest in the contents and size of their parents’ estate and how those assets will be distributed after the parents die. As such, several readers note that parents might be more comfortable—again, in the early stages of the process—talking with a friend, educator or lawyer about estate planning. Obviously, third parties cost money, but many readers clearly believe it’s worth it.
Yes, “children should, at the very least, know the parents’ accountant and financial adviser, if one exists,” says Karen Cunningham, president of the Oklahoma Financial Center in Oklahoma City. But “I suggest the children ask a trusted third party to initiate the conversation, if possible. A person who can provide assistance.”
Of course, third parties can do more than get parents talking. They also can help, several readers told us, when all else seems to fail.
“My mother had a sizable estate and was adamant about keeping us children in the dark about all things estate-oriented,” a reader in Los Angeles says. “I knew she hadn’t updated her will or health-care directive for 20 years. I finally contacted both her attorney and financial adviser and asked them to call her and advise that she update both. I knew she would listen to them—and she did.”
Tried and true
Several readers advised adopting strategies we mentioned briefly in our earlier article, namely piggybacking on a child’s own efforts to create an estate plan.
“I have successfully used the idea of telling older relatives that my wife and I were meeting with our lawyer to review and/or update our wills—and asking: ‘When did you last do that?’ That opened the door for discussion in a nonintrusive/nonprying way and made it easier to ask other questions,” says David Vaughan of Lynchburg, Va.
A reader in Burlingame, Calif., suggests shifting the approach slightly to ask the parents for their advice: “You might say to them something along this line: ‘I’ve been thinking of contacting an estate attorney to set up a trust or will for my own assets and wondered if you’ve done the same. Could you recommend the attorney you used and whether you were satisfied with him/her?’ ”
The reader adds: “You’ll be able to tell from their reaction if they have or haven’t, or they may even just say, ‘No, maybe someday.’ To which you can reply: ‘Well, when I find someone to help me, would you like to set up an appointment for yourself? I’d be happy to help you with it.’ ”
Interestingly, some readers were very specific about which adult children should, and shouldn’t, speak with parents about estate planning. Says Mr. Horsburgh in Michigan: “The best kid to bring this up is the wealthiest one, the one who stands to benefit least from an inheritance. I realize this might sound elitist and snobbish, but it’s the best way to reduce this to an administrative process without the perception—in the parents’ eyes—that it’s a money grab.”
Lynn in Missouri advises simply: “Keep all daughters-in-law and sons-in-law out of the discussion.”
Knowing when to stop
Linda Burrows, an estate-planning lawyer in Westlake Village, Calif., wrote that adult children should first consider what type of personality their parent is. An older adult, for instance, might be a planner by nature and/or one who works well with to-do lists. If that’s the case, the child’s job, not surprisingly, is relatively easy: talking with a parent to develop a set of tasks, such as drafting a list of assets or, if need be, setting up an appointment with an estate planner.
On the other hand, Ms. Burrows says parents could be at a point in their lives, where they’re overwhelmed with some of the realities of aging: caregiving, illness, loneliness. If that’s the case, a “softer and slower approach may be helpful,” she says—something as simple as sharing a video about estate planning from a website or cutting an article from a magazine.
Lastly, adult children also need to recognize when no amount of cajoling is working, when parents simply aren’t receptive to estate planning.
At that moment, Ms. Burrows says, “the topic should be put on the shelf for a while and the focus of the relationship should be simply on listening to parents, and not instructing or reprimanding them—even if their concerns seem inconsequential to a middle-aged child who is struggling with his or her own obligations and priorities.
“If it’s made clear that the adult child is willing to assist when the parent is ready to consider taking action on estate planning,” she says, “then sometimes that’s all one can do.”
